Say I had an invitation to an event and an after-party. Say that event was a movie premiere tomorrow night. Say that event’s invitation indicated that the dress code was “festive dress”. What the hell would that mean? I’ve looked it up online, and unless this party is actually being held on Christmas (which it is not), it’s been very little help.

So far I’ve heard: casual, but not jeans casual, unless they are really cute jeans paired with amazing shoes and designer shirt—or you are a star, then you can do what you want (just for the record: no one has ever confused me with a star). I’ve also heard: slightly less than cocktail; informal cocktail. Um… cocktail to me means the classic little black dress. I’m from the eastern part of the country where little black dress is appropriate for every event except, possibly, a morning wedding, or a marathon.

Look, I can barely dress myself for my day to day work existence, and I feel quite festive in sweatpants. “Hollywood” life is mind-numbing. I’m all for casually flouting the dress code rules, but I’d like to at least have a vague concept of what they are. I have loads of semi-formal clothing—a bit of irony really considering how much I avoid leaving the apartment. What I don’t appear to have is the “oh-this-old-informal-yet-festively-not-quite-cocktail-thing-that-I’ve-just-thrown-on”, which is apparently required.

I’m not a D-lister. I’m not a Z-lister. I’m no where near the freakin’ list. Hell, I couldn’t find the list with a GPS. And yet, I feel like I need a stylist—someone special who can explain to me what is appropriate for this kind of situation. All of this fretting is going on inside my head despite the fact that not a single person will actually look at me (it’s that fact which is keeping me semi-sane… shhhh… am so).

Sorry? What premiere/party is it?

Leatherheads.

Not kidding.

Perhaps Mr. Clooney will find my sweatpants a refreshing change of pace.

Kate, who is trying to figure out how to bring a ficus with her, so she can hide at the event. Run away!!!!!!

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