I recently found myself wandering through Rite Aid, and I ended up temporarily hiding in the condom aisle (as you do).  First, I must say that things have really progressed. I had no idea there was so much variety. It was really quite impressive. So…well done condom-makers of America.

But one label threw me– “Ultra Thin.”

I get it. It’s a feeling thing. And yet, I saw the label and couldn’t help but think, “God, I hope not!”

The label I want to see is more like this:

This condom is made of bullet-proof material. Seriously, you can shoot it, and it will not break. It will last a million years, and even if he has carried it in his back pocket of hope since he was 18, it will not break. It is literally impenetrable. We’ve considered making entire uniforms out of this material to keep people safe in battle.  It has no vulnerabilities.  We know it is stronger than Superman because we’ve tried Kryptonite (red and green) on it, and it still kicked Lex Luthor’s ass (on its own, in a package). Also, it is so powerful, that it hypnotizes everyone in its vicinity into using it correctly without question, complaint or reluctance.  It is that good. You’re welcome.

That’s what I want to see.